Advice · Relationships

Unhealthy Relationships & The Mistakes We Make While In One.

Mistake 1: Making Excuses

He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. Too often girls make excuses for how their man behaves, this is usually because they are wanting to make themselves feel better about the poor situation they are in. So they tell themselves everything is ok and make up excuses. What am I talking about? Let me show you some examples:

“He is just really busy so he never has time to see me” This just isn’t true. This may seem like a good excuse but you need to open your eyes, men are never too busy to get what they want. Plus, a man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. But he tells you he misses you right? Who cares?!?! The only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing not to spend time with you. If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

The same goes for his lack of calling or texting you. He might be lying in the hospital with amnesia, but more likely he just doesn’t really care. He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you. Men know how to use the phone, we live in a age where we are always on our phones, trust me when I say he IS getting your texts and if he’s not replying it’s because he just doesn’t care. You deserve the guy who wants you, calls you, and makes you feel sexy! He wants to see you more and more often, because every time he sees you, he likes and then loves you more and more. NEVER forget this.

What about the guy that always ditches you for his friends and other random events? Don’t you want the guy who’ll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you? I don’t care what anyone says or what kind of excuses people make, if your man really cares he will be around and put other stuff aside for awhile so he can spend more time with you and get to know you better.

So you are sitting here thinking that I am saying this is all your fault for letting it happen? Heck no! This issue has been happening forever. We are taught this from an early age. We’re taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. So we take this awesome life lesson and use it towards our relationships but this is something that you should never use for a relationship. As negative as it may sound, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception. Stop thinking that your relationship is different or special because everyone thinks that. This isn’t to say that he should drop his friends entirely because you both need your separate time with friends.

 

This is the usual pattern lol…We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go into excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they’re behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that’s the truth: He’s just not that into me! Does this sound familiar?

 

Mistake 2: Staying With A Cheater

This is probably the most important thing I could ever tell you. IF HE CHEATS ON YOU HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!! THE SECOND YOU FIND OUT HE CHEATED OUT NEED TO LEAVE!!!

 

Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out, and they’re working it out on your time and with your heart. How is that fair to you?!?!? I truly believe that if he cheated on you once he will cheat on you again. Why? Cheating gets easier every time it’s done. It’s only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone’s trust. After that he figures “Hey, I have already done it once so another time wont really matter.”

So you find out he’s cheating and he cries, pleads and begs you to take him back and forgive him. He promises you the world and starts treating you like god, but trust me, that will end. There is nothing he can say that will make it ok! No matter what excuse or how much he tells you he loves you. If he’s sleeping with someone else behind your back he is not only behaving like a man who does not love you, he’s behaving like a man who doesn’t even like you all that much! There is never going to be a good excuse for cheating!! If he tells you that it just ‘happened,’ please remember, cheating doesn’t just ‘happen.’ it’s not an accident as in, “Oops, I just slipped and fell into a sexual relationship with someone else.” It was planned and executed with the full knowledge that it could end your relationship. He knew that it would hurt you and could seriously mess with your heart but he did it anyways. That is not love.

 

This is another thing, people tell you who they are all the time. When a man says he can’t be monogamous, you should believe him. Don’t think that you can make him want to be with just you, that is your own fault.

 

Most importantly don’t ask yourself what you did wrong or how you could have done it differently. Don’t waste your valuable heart and mind trying to figure out why he did what he did. Or thinking back on all the things he said, and wonder what was the truth and what was the lie. The only thing you need to know is that it’s really good news: He’s gone.

 

If you take a man back after he cheated on you then you have no right to be upset if it happens again. Have respect for yourself and don’t be that girl. Muster up the courage to leave him. I know how being lonely can suck, trust me I have been there. This is what pets are for lol…don’t lower your standards and settle for a cheating asshole.

 

Mistake 3: Thinking That You Can Change Him

When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you’d like them to be. Would you ever buy grapes because you want to eat raisins? NO! Ya sure if under the right circumstances they can change into raisins but you bought grapes, you didn’t buy raisins so who are you to be upset when it doesn’t turn out how you wanted it? When you truly have found the one he will already be what you want him to be. If you think you need to change him then why even start a relationship with him? There IS someone out there that is already what you want! Please remember what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less!!!!

 

Mistake 4: Marraige Phobia

“He says he will never get married but I know he will change his mind”

Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn’t want to get married or doesn’t believe in marriage, or has ‘issues’ with marriage, WILL GET MARRIED ONE DAY. It just will never be to you. He’s not really saying he doesn’t want to get married. He’s saying he doesn’t want to get married to you. Even if he makes excuses, they are just that, excuses. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, or more importantly, he doesn’t want to make you mad or see you cry. Men hate that. For example: He says he doesn’t have the money. There will never be a good time, financially, to get married, unless you’re filthy rich. People that truly want to get married will manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you, it’s your relationship that’s insecure, not his bank account.

 

Mistake 5: Family & Friends VS Your Man

Any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family! They are your family and nothing is stronger then blood. Never choose a man over your friends or family. They have been around forever, not him. Yes you are going to have to spend less time with them as you want to spend more time with him but he should make an effort to get to know them and even if he doesn’t like them he should still be civil as he loves you, which in turn, makes him have to love them as well. If he can’t even be nice to your friends then what does that say about him? Obviously he doesn’t care about you enough to try and you deserve better then that. You are more then welcome to complain about them, he however is not. He should listen and be understanding while you vent but he should NEVER join in on the complaints. Consider this the golden rule.

There were times that I would get in little fights with my friends or family and I would vent to my ex like any women would, however, instead of being a listening ear he would start TRASHING them. It is not his place to do this. He really has no right to do so. This only shows his true character and is a huge red flag that you should not ignore.

 

Mistake 6: Pretending That Everything Is Ok

Boy am I ever guilty of this. We are a prideful people. When I decided to get married I thought for sure I was doing the right thing and EVERYONE warned me not to. Even his close friends told me not to but I thought I knew everything so I did what I wanted. I quickly learned that I was acting foolish and everyone was right. THERE WAS NO WAY I WANTED TO ADMIT THAT THOUGH. So I played the part of happy wife to a T. Posted cute status’s, kissy pictures with him, put on a smile and pretended like we were the perfect couple living out our own little fairy tale, when in reality it was a nightmare.

 

Too many times women think that if they look happy, they are happy. As long as everyone else thinks your life is perfect then everything will be ok, right? WRONG. This just makes things worse. We don’t want people to know that we failed at something so we continue in our relationships hoping that one day things will be great but they usually only get worse. The biggest thing I learned is this. Who cares what people think? People are always going to like gossip and want to be entertained by someone else’s pain. Sad but true. Who cares?!? Don’t stay in a relationship because you are ashamed to be wrong. Don’t think that by acting like your relationship is healthy, that it will be healthy. You need to face your issues head on, and don’t put on a smile and fake it. You are only lying to yourself and will look like the biggest fool when your relationship fails.

 

Mistake 7: Confusing Jealousy & Control With Love

This happens way too often. You are dressing up for a night out with the girls and he is over your shoulder asking you why you are putting on makeup or why you want to look so good. Insinuating that you are going to do something wrong. Maybe you want to run to the store but he demands to come with you. Perhaps you are meeting a girl friend for coffee and you aren’t gone 3 minutes before he is blowing up your phone with calls and text trying to make you feel guilty for leaving the house. What do you do? Instead of opening your eyes and realizing that this is not acceptable behavior, you tell yourself things like “He just really loves me and wants to spend time with me.” NO NO GIRL. Trust is the most important part of a relationship an acting like that is proving he does not trust you.

 

Ever heard this before “I drop everything for you, make my life about you, and only ever hang out with you because I love you so much yet you treat me like garbage by wanting to hang out with your friends and leaving me alone at the house” I HAVE HEARD THIS MORE TIMES THEN I CAN COUNT. Do you know how many things are wrong with this statement? Just because he is doing all those things does not make them right. He should have his own life as well, not rely on you. If you want to go hang out with friends or grab a drink then there is nothing wrong with that and he should be happy that you have a life.

 

I have also had to deal with jealousy when it came to my job. I am surrounded by men all the time and sometimes some of those men are a little too friendly with me but I handle it in a very professional manor. This was never good enough for my ex. He would always accuse me of “asking for it” and if someone did over step their boundaries with me I would be told that I did not put him in his place enough and that I’m letting men do whatever they want to me (even though he was not even there…he just assumed) no matter what I tried to tell him it was never good enough and in his eyes he pretty much just insinuated that I was a whore. If a guy from work sent me a text to tell me that I could come in later as there was a meeting, he would freak out and ask who the guy was, why he was texting me and if I had sex with him. i was even told that I was not allowed to talk to my male co-workers. He was in control of me. He made outrageous rules because he was jealous and insecure. At the time I thought that he loved me so much he wanted to keep me to himself, but this is not love. Please do not mix the two.

 

To make this a very basic statement, any man who is secure with himself and your relationship will take other men hitting on you as a compliment and it wont phase him, he will trust that you took care of it on your own and he will not get angry with you. If he is trying to read your texts, telling you that you can’t leave the house, never gives you alone time, or freaks out when another man looks at you, there is something wrong with him. RUN!

 

Mistake 8: Allowing Him To Disrespect You In Bed

*Disclosure* The following statement does not pertain to a mutual kink experience. If you both enjoy kinks then all the power to you. This statement refers to feeling bullied or pressured into sexual acts that make you uncomfortable**

A man that loves you does not want to demoralize you. Sure you like to be tossed around here and there and maybe you like to experiment with new things, but these choices must be mutual. If he wants kinky or violent sex every single time then there may be something wrong. If you feel uncomfortable there is a reason for it, it is not just in you head…trust me.

 

My ex would consistently ask for things that made me feel uncomfortable and concerned. I knew something was wrong but never did anything about it. In my gut I knew that someone was weird but if I declined he would call me names or tell me I wasn’t sexy, he even went as far as to tell me that he has to jerk off all the time because I wasn’t doing the job. Ladies this is disgusting behavior and should never be allowed.

 

Every time we had sex he wanted to hurt me! The sad part is that I’m not even remotely exaggerating! He would pull my hair past the point that it felt good, slap me over and over again even when I was clearly in pain, and bite me so hard I bled. I would literally be covered in bruises all the time and looked horrible. People started to notice how badly my body was marked. They would try to tell me that it was not normal and beg me to break up with him, but like an idiot I didn’t want to make him mad and told them it was ok. It was NOT ok. Who enjoys causing that kind of harm to the women they love? *Again, I am talking about causing pain that the woman does not enjoy*

 

We are the master of our own bodies, no one else. Never do something that you do not feel comfortable with. Don’t get me wrong, I encourage you to try new things and spice up your sex life but there are limits. For example, my ex once asked me if he could dress up in some of his military gear and pretend to rape me. I think that is when I realized there was something wrong with him and he needed help.

 

If I didn’t agree to things like this he would say horrible things to me to the point that I would be in tears. This was a first for me as I have never had any complaints before so I couldn’t understand why he was being like that. The answer is this, when men feel small, powerless, and insecure they need to control others to make themselves feel better. I think they also watch too much porn and falsely think that is what sex is really like, but we all know porn and sex don’t always look the same.

 

Bottom line with this mistake is never let a man disrespect you in bed, never let him disrespect your body and never let him control you or your body. If you don’t feel right with something then say so. If you express how you feel and he still wants to or puts you down for it then you need to run away as fast as you can. That is a huge red flag.

 

Mistake 9: Dealing With Other Females

We have all been there. You notice that another woman is starting to become too friendly with your partner and maybe even starts crossing the line. Whether it be a random woman, his ex, or just one of his friends. What is the first thing we always say? “She is crazy and wont leave him alone” though this is usually never the case. Instead of looking at the real issue we choose to ignore it and put the blame on the other female. If a female thinks she has a chance with your man, it is because he is allowing her to feel that way.

Don’t get me wrong, let her try once and hopefully he will shoot her down. 99% of the time if a man tells a women that he is taken she will back off. If she keeps on trying it most likely isn’t because she is crazy, it’s because she is getting signals from your man that make her think she has a chance.

Women need to stop attacking other women for something that their man did. It is so much easier to blame the other woman then to admit to ourselves that our man is not who we think he is. I am not innocent in this, there have been situations with past relationships where I allowed myself to think that other women were crazy and not getting the point but it was actually my boyfriend that was the one to blame. He might say he is putting her in her place but he probably isn’t. Your gut feeling is almost always right so if you feel like something is not right, then something is not right.

 

Mistake 10: Letting Him Tell You That You Aren’t Good Enough

There are WAY too many women out there that think that they aren’t good enough. When you ask them why they think that, they will usually reply back with reasons that he has given them. Men do this because they are insecure and they know that they are not good enough for you. They are afraid that you will realize this, so they try to bring you down to their level so you will feel like he is the best you will ever get and you are lucky that he is even with you.

 

According to my ex i was always doing something wrong and was never good enough to have him, he reminded me daily that i was lucky to have him because I wasn’t good enough for him. There was a whole laundry list of things he said that I never did right. Let me name a few:

I didn’t reply to his texts fast enough

My texts weren’t substantial enough

My phone calls were never long enough

I never did enough things for him

I didn’t act like a good partner

If I felt a certain way about something I was wrong

If I pointed something out that I liked and he did not like it then I was stupid for liking it

If I pronounced a word wrong he would make fun of me for it and continuously go at me for saying it wrong

I was stupid because I used social media

I didn’t pick the right trade in the military

He was so much better then me because he was in the Army and I was “Just a useless Air Force idiot”

If I wanted to do my nails a certain way he would make fun of me for it

ANYTHING THAT I LIKED, BELIEVED IN, HAD AN OPINION ON, SERIOUSLY ANYTHING THAT I DID OR SAID THAT HE DID NOT LIKE HE WOULD PUT ME DOWN AND BELITTLE ME. The worst part is that I let him do this to me for over a year and I actually started to believe it. It wasn’t until I got out of that horrible situation that I realized how abusive he really was.

 

You should never feel like the lesser person in a relationship. It should always be of equal balance. If he goes out of his way to make you feel like this then he is the problem. This is a form of abuse and manipulation. He is trying to control you and you don’t even realize it. You are your own person and you are entitled to your own opinions. As adults you can agree to disagree and anyone who is not mature enough to do that is not mature enough to be in a relationship. You should never feel like you are stuck because you will never find anyone better then your man. Don’t get me wrong you can feel like you have found the one and you will never get better because he is the one…but you should never feel as though YOU CAN’T get better, if that makes sense.

 

The quickest way to rectify these mistakes is by learning from them, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future. That doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong!

 

Let me end with this. What I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re in a healthy relationship with a guy who truly loves you: You’ll never be sitting there wondering what is going through his head or trying to read through his mind games. You’ll never have your night out with friends ruined because he wont leave you alone. You’ll never feel inadequate. You wont be afraid to speak your mind. You’ll never have all your friends and family begging you to leave. You wont be crying yourself to sleep at night or feeling extremely alone. You’ll never feel like your smile is fake or that you are putting on a show. What you will see is happiness. Pure, true, honest happiness.

You will feel like equals in a loving relationship.

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